Wanted: Romance. Apply Within

by Charlie Fish

Dear Ms Linden,

Please find enclosed my resumé in application for the post advertised on MatchFit.

I am a fast and accurate lover, with a keen eye for detail. My skills and experience uniquely qualify me to meet your requirements for a long-term relationship. In particular:

Excellent physique

  • I attend a gym at least once a week, and maintain a BMI of 21.0. In a recent 360-degree feedback exercise among my peers, I was ranked 7thin attractiveness in a pool of 23.

Intellectual ability

  • I achieved an IQ score of 123 on a Mensa intelligence test. I can solve a 9×9 Sudoku puzzle in an average of 12 minutes.

Sense of humour

  • I once made my Auntie Noreen laugh so hard milk came out of her nose.

I am able to take on the responsibility of this position immediately, and have the enthusiasm and determination to ensure that I make a success of it.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this application and I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Yours sincerely,

Marek Novak

*    *   *

MAREK NOVAK – CURRICULUM AMORIS

PERSONAL STATEMENT

A highly driven lover with over 8 years’ experience in heterosexual relationships. Delivered an increase to self-esteem in excess of 10% per year over the last 3 years, despite a challenging market. Particular expertise in cooking, massage and pillow talk. Feminist. Now seeking to use my skills and experience in a permanent role.

RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCE

Brona Walsh – October 2013 to May 2018

Equal partner in this multi-hundred pound turnover relationship, with responsibility for life skills training, general corruption, and Brona’s finance and administration. Key achievements included taking on the leadership of various romantic treasure hunts, and successfully applying for an extension of the relationship in June 2016. Promoted in March 2017 for discovering Brona’s G-spot, allowing me to continue ensuring that the customer always comes first.

Louise Gosford – January 2013 to October 2013

Dealt with Louise calmly and efficiently in a high-pressure rebound environment. Other tasks included designing poems, and collaborating with third parties to enhance our sex lives.

Dembe Bigombe – 1 January 2013

Developed a renewed zeal for sexual relationships, and an affinity for light bondage.

Elle Johnson – September 2009 to August 2011

Built relationship communication skills in the context of a University culture. Achieved a Grade 8 in Truth or Dare, and a Gold Award in getting people naked. Ensured compliance with health and safety regulations throughout.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

  • A dedicated and passionate flirter, I have honed these skills to a fine art.
  • I have conducted extensive research into Internet pornography.
  • My faithfulness record is 100% (all penalty points have expired).
  • I have a full, clean bill of health.

*    *   *

Hi Marek, lovely to meet you. I’m Ren.

Good to meet you, Ren.

Have a seat. There’s some water for you. Ok, before we start, the toilets are just out there to the left, and if you hear a fire alarm we go out the way you came in. I’ll be taking notes from time to time, so if I break eye contact I’m still listening. We’re going to start with the presentation you’ve prepared. So, please go ahead.

Sorry, I’m a little nervous.

It’s ok, I’m on your side. I want to help you give your best performance today.

[Marek strips to his briefs, drops to the floor, and does 50 push-ups while reciting Rudyard Kipling’s “If”.]

Odd choice of poem. But excellently delivered. You can get dressed again. I’m loving the bright red briefs, by the way.

They’re Saxx.

Very nice. Ok. Have a seat. First question. Tell me about a time in a romantic relationship when you’ve had to overcome an incompatibility.

Um… my previous girlfriend voted Brexit. I was pretty upset about that. She said the EU is like the Galactic Empire in Star Wars, trying to crush individuality. And I said the EU is like the Federation in Star Trek, holding everyone together peacefully. We never did see eye to eye on that, but we just resolved to focus on our shared love of retro sci-fi and that worked pretty well.

Ok,  great. Now… You describe yourself as a feminist. What does that mean to you, and can you give me an example of when you’ve applied that principle in everyday life?

I mean, for me, it’s about finding great role models. And talking about them. For myself, for my friends, for my nephew. If my nephew says he wants to make video games, I’ll tell him about Roberta Williams. Or… if my buddy’s writing his film quiz, I’ll suggest a round on female directors, like, um, the Hurt Locker one… Karen Bigelow.

Kathryn Bigelow.

Kathryn Bigelow.

Last question. What are your life goals?

Long term, I want to raise a couple of kids. Short term, a thousand Instagram followers.

Great! Right. Do you have any questions for me?

Thanks. Yes. Uh… is Ren short for anything?

Yes. Don’t laugh. Serendipity.

*    *   *

Dear Mr Novak,

I am pleased to inform you that you were the top candidate out of over a hundred applicants. Your relationship outlook is well matched to my requirements, and I consider it a privilege to offer you a permanent role.

As detailed in the attached terms and conditions, the role is an exclusive and equal partnership with full profit-sharing. The probationary period is six months, during which either party can cancel the arrangement with one week’s notice.

Please respond by the end of the month to confirm your acceptance of this offer. Meanwhile, feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

I look forward to having you on my team.

Warm regards,

Ren Linden


Charlie Fish is a popular short story writer and screenwriter. His short stories have been published in several countries and inspired dozens of short film adaptations. Since 1996, he has edited Fiction on the Web, the longest-running short story site on the web. He was born in Mount Kisco, New York in 1980; and now lives in south London with his wife and daughters.

You can contact him at charlie@fictionontheweb.co.uk, and you can follow him on Twitter @fishcharlie.

 

 


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